Beautifully Broken Pieces (The Sutter Lake Series)

1

Taylor

There was something about the air here. It was clean. Pure. And it had a fragrance to it I hadn’t encountered before. It was something the trees released into the atmosphere around them. I pulled a long breath into my lungs, holding it there as I stared out at the scene below.

Craggy mountaintops still topped with snow shifted into heavily forested slopes which met up with a pristine lake. I sucked in another breath. It was beautiful. Peaceful. Largely untouched by humans in all the ways we could fuck things up.

An arm came around my shoulders. “It’s beautiful, right?” Carter asked.

I glanced at my best friend. Her strawberry-blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a haphazard attempt to keep it out of her face while we hiked to the top of this lookout. “It is.”

“I’m so glad my mom recommended it—” Her words were cut off as color leached from her face, and she dropped her arms from my shoulder. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have⁠—”

This time, it was me cutting her off. “You can talk about your mom, Carter.”

“Okay…” Her words trailed off, and an awkward silence descended on us.

It had been ninety-seven days, twelve hours, and fifty-two minutes since my mother’s heart had stopped beating. I couldn’t help but mark that time. Always aware of every minute the world kept spinning without her. That seemed crazy sometimes. Absolutely insane that the universe could still exist without her. That I could exist without her.

There were moments when it still didn’t seem real. Times when I could convince myself that this had all been a terrible nightmare. That I hadn’t really watched her body slowly start to fail her. Hadn’t seen her struggle to even lift her hand to hold mine. That her skin hadn’t turned so papery, I could see right through to her veins.

But it had happened. No begging, pleading, bargaining, or praying had kept her with me. My rock, my safe place, my best friend was gone.

I shook my head, attempting to clear it. Forcing cheeriness into my voice, I asked, “How did your mom find out about this place again?” Carter was from Georgia, and we were currently in the middle of nowhere Oregon.

Carter twisted her fingers into a series of complicated knots at her side. “She has a sorority sister who grew up here. Told her it was pure magic. It is, right?”

Pure magic was a perfect description. “It is.” I snuck a peek at Carter again. Lines of worry creased her brow. I hated that I was the cause of it. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

A genuine smile tipped her lips. “I’m so glad you finally agreed.”

After months filled with arranging a funeral, handling the never-ending minutia that came with someone dying, and packing up my mom’s house in Houston, I was spent. Carter had begged me to let her plan a trip for us that would be full of nothing but rest, relaxation, good food, and nature. I had been too exhausted to put up more than a half-hearted fight, even though what I wanted more than anything was to be alone.

The constant assessing stares and carefully couched questions about how I was doing were almost more than I could bear. My fists clenched, nails biting into my palms. All Carter wanted to do was take care of me. She was the best friend a girl could hope for, and I couldn’t even give her that.

Cracking branches and rustling underbrush sounding from behind us had Carter and I turning around.

“Jesus, I’m pretty sure I just got poison ivy on my ass,” our good friend, Liam, bellowed.

Carter tried to hide her giggle by covering her mouth. I did nothing to disguise my snort of laughter.

Carter’s husband, Austin, trailed after Liam, a disgusted grimace on his face. “I really don’t need to hear about that.”

“Hey, you might have some, too. Nothing could be worse than poison ivy on your junk.”

Carter slipped her backpack off her shoulders. “I have some hand wipes. Why don’t you both use them.”

Liam grinned at Carter, taking a wipe from her outstretched hand. “Thank you, ma’am.” After tossing the used towelette into his pack, Liam made his way towards me. He pulled me to his side. “How are you holding up?” His tone had gone from teasing to gently serious, and I freaking hated it.

“I’m good.” I elbowed him in the gut. “Now get your possibly contagious, dirty fingers away from me.”

Liam chuckled, but there was concern in his eyes as he studied me. I felt like a bug under a microscope.

I tightened the straps of my pack. “What do you say? Race you back to the car?”

I didn’t wait for an answer, just took off down the trail at a fast clip. Voices drifted on the air behind me.

“Since when is she the athlete?” Liam asked.

“She started running the first time her mom got sick…” Carter began.

I pushed myself faster until I could no longer hear my friends.

Our rented SUV hugged the curves of the mountain road as we headed away from the peaks towards town. An old-timey sign declared Welcome To Sutter Lake in white lettering. My eyes traveled down Main Street, taking in the storefronts that looked like they had been frozen in Old West times, complete with hitching posts in front of most of them. Baskets of bright blooms hung from each street sign, and benches sat in shady spots below trees with vibrant green leaves.

Austin pulled into a parking spot in front of an old-fashioned saloon. No parking meter. That was different from the two cities I’d most recently called home. I released my seat belt and pushed open my door. We’d been told by the woman who rented us the vacation home that the saloon had the best burgers in a hundred-mile radius. I doubted anything could beat In-N-Out, but I was willing to do some research to find out.

Carter stepped up next to me, squeezing my shoulder. “This place is so cute, right?”

I fought the urge to shake off her hand. The overabundance of comforting gestures lately had begun to make my skin crawl. “The cutest.”

Austin pulled his wife to his side, brushing his lips against her brow. “What I care about is how good the burgers are.”

“And the beer. Don’t forget the beer,” Liam called.

We pushed through the pair of swinging doors and made our way to the hostess station. A young girl, probably high-school aged, stood behind a podium. “How many—?” Her words cut off as her eyes bugged out. “Y-y-you’re Liam Fairchild.”

It was funny, I so often forgot that Liam was a celebrity. It wasn’t until we were in situations like these that I remembered he was a world-famous musician.

Liam put his charming-bugger smile in place. “That I am, darling. But what do you say we keep that little secret between us? Wouldn’t want my vacation hideout to get discovered.” The girl nodded vigorously. “I’d be happy to sign something for you if you’d like.”

“That would be awesome,” she whispered and then fumbled for a paper and pen.

While Liam made the young girl’s year, I studied the space. The Old West theme continued with wagon wheels and wood signs decorating the walls. The combination restaurant and bar was about half full, most inhabitants opting for one of the cozy booths that hugged the outskirts of the room.

My eyes continued on towards the bar area and stuttered on two men eating lunch and watching some sports thing on the TV in the corner. They were both well-built. One blond. One with hair so dark brown, it was almost black. The second man threw his head back, letting out a bellow of laughter that was so rich and carefree, it hit me right in the chest. Would I ever laugh like that again? Like I had no worries in the world?

Someone bumped into my shoulder. “Enjoying a little eye candy?”

I grimaced at Liam. “No. Are you done fulfilling every teenage fangirl’s dream?”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders to lead me towards the table that Carter and Austin were already seated at. “It’s a heavy burden being America’s sweetheart.”

“America’s sweetheart is Julia Roberts, you jackass,” Austin called from the table.

I let my friends’ voices fade into background noise as I twisted to get one more peek at the man with the captivating laugh—but he was already gone.

2

Taylor

The smell of antiseptic stung my nostrils as that damned beep, beep, beep sounded in my ears. “I love you to the moon and back, my sweet girl.” My mother’s voice was haggard and rough. Then, there was silence. That dreaded silence that meant she was gone.

My eyes shot open. The covers seemed to suffocate me as I struggled to get free. Finally, I was able to extricate myself from the tangled mess. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, trying to slow my breathing and steady my heart rate. I needed air.

I stood on shaky legs, making my way through the darkened cabin towards the back deck. My t-shirt, damp with sweat, clung to my back. If I were alone, I would have torn the damned thing off.

Sliding the door open and moving forward, my feet touched chilly planks. I gripped the railing, bending to press my forehead against it. The cool mountain air rushed over me, calming my overheated skin, and the sweet smell on the breeze seemed to ease my panicked breaths. Slowly, my heart rate began to return to normal.

I straightened and tipped my face up to the sky. The stars were so bright here. I’d never seen anything like it. No ambient city lights to dull their shine. “Mom, are you up there?” I mouthed the words to the silent breeze as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. What I wanted more than anything was a promise that I would be reunited with her one day. In Heaven, in the stars, anywhere I could feel her presence.

The pastor at my mom’s memorial service had promised that she was in a better place. But how did he know for sure? I prayed to God and the Universe for a sign constantly. Anything that would let me know she was at peace. That I would see her again. I never got a damn thing, and I was looking.

I blew out a long breath and settled myself in one of the rocking chairs on the porch. The sounds of a bubbling creek nearby, crickets chirping, and the blades of the rocker hitting the boards of the deck were my only companions. It was kind of perfect. It was quiet, without the deafening silence of my nightmares.

Sleep wouldn’t find me anytime soon, though. No matter how hard I tried, rest always refused to come after one of those dreams. It was a nightly battle I won, only if I had exhausted my body the day before. I needed to be so tired that I fell into sleep so deep, the nightmares couldn’t find me. It was so very ironic. I used to hate working out with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but now, it was my salvation.

Soft footfalls sounded against the wood-planked floor. I fought the frustration that rose at my solitude being interrupted. I wiped my face to erase any stray tears and attempted to blank my expression. I wanted no pitying looks or careful tones.

The problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted. Or needed. All I knew was that I wanted to crawl out of my skin when people looked at me like I was going to crumble at any moment. Maybe because I was afraid I would crumble. That I would break apart into a million pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.

Carter appeared at my side. She looked a mess. Rumpled PJs, blurry eyes, and the hair piled on top of her head resembled a rat’s nest. I was fairly certain it had gotten into that state thanks to her husband’s ravaging. Austin loved my best friend with a ferocity that made my heart ache.

Carter slid into the chair next to mine. “Couldn’t sleep?”

I let a single shoulder rise and fall. “Sleeping’s not really my strong suit these days. Did I wake you?”

Carter gave me a sympathetic smile. The same one she’d been giving me for months. An expression that made me want to throttle her. And I loved this girl to the depths of my soul. “You didn’t really wake me. Since having Ethan, I feel like I never fully descend into sleep. I’m always half listening for sounds of baby distress.”

I inwardly cringed at my earlier frustration. My best friend had left her child at home for the first time since having him because she was worried about me. Because she wanted to take me away from any place that held memories of my mom. Needed to do something to help ease my pain.

“How is the little monster?” I asked.

A happier smile came to her face. “He’s great. I talked to my mom before bed, and it sounded like he’s enjoying being spoiled rotten by his grandparents.”

A small grin spread across my lips. “Ethan’s lucky to have them.”

Carter froze. “I didn’t mean to bring up⁠—"

I cut her off, waving a hand in front of my face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that he has amazing grandparents.” Would every conversation from now on be a careful traverse of a minefield?

I took another deep breath, letting the smell of the surrounding pine trees calm me. “I really love it here.”

Carter’s eyes scanned the fields that turned into vast forest. “I’m so glad. I do, too. There’s something really special about it.”

I smiled to myself. “There’s a peacefulness I’ve never experienced before. Something about the sound of the water and the smell of the air. I feel like I can breathe here.”

Carter chuckled. “Well, compared to home, the air is just a little fresher.”

Carter and I had met in Los Angeles as teachers working in the Teach For Our Youth program. We had bonded quickly, and soon became roommates. But when my mom got sick, I’d had to return to Texas to take care of her. And I never made it back to LA. It just wasn’t home anymore.

An idea flickered in my mind. It was crazy, but maybe that was exactly what I needed.

The smells of bacon frying and freshly baking biscuits tickled my nose as I took in Carter at the stove. “Can I do anything?” I asked.

Carter bit the corner of her lip. “Ummm, why don’t you help Liam set the table.”

“Sure thing.”

I headed into the dining room to find Liam with a stack of dishes and cutlery. “Here, let me help,” I said, reaching for the pile of forks and knives.

“She wouldn’t let you touch anything that was cooking, would she?” Liam said with a chuckle.

“Oh, shut up. So, cooking isn’t my strong suit.” That was the world’s biggest understatement. My mom used to swear I could burn water. No matter how often she tried to school me in her culinary ways, I was a hopeless student. A pang hit my sternum. She would never have the chance to remedy that, to see me finally master her famous mashed potatoes or decadent lemon meringue pie.

These types of twinges came often, brought on by something different each time and taking me by surprise more often than not. It always felt like my heart was being squeezed by an unrelenting fist. The constriction would tug on all the surrounding strands of connective tissue, sending zaps of pain throughout my body until I finally pushed the memory from my mind.

Liam threw an arm around my shoulders. “Good thing you can order takeout with the best of them.”

I shook off the phantom spasm and forced a smirk to my lips. “Like you’re any better? You eat half your dinners at Carter and Austin’s, and you have a personal chef. Spoiled rotten, I swear.”

“What are you two bickering about now?” Austin’s voice called from the other room.

I turned to see his large fighter’s frame filling the doorway. “I’m just trying to keep Liam honest.”

Austin let out a snort. “Good luck with that. At least you’ve got his over-indulged rock star-self setting the table.”

“Hey!” Liam said, his face the picture of affront. “I’ll have you know, I washed dishes last night.”

Placing a hand over my heart, I gasped. “No. Dishes? Did you break a nail?”

Liam set his stack of plates down with a rattle and darted for me. “These hands could be insured for millions.” It was probably true. Over the past few years, Liam had become a Billboard Top 100 sensation. He’d created some sort of hybrid between Southern rock and country, dominating both markets, and raking in the cash.

I laughed, spinning in place and extending a butter knife in Liam’s direction to stop his attempted assault. “Okay, okay, you are the most famous, talented, handsome boy in all the land. Happy now?”

“That’s a little bit better...” He sniffed.

I rolled my eyes at Austin, who only grinned.

We finished setting the table, and then it was time to inhale whatever Carter had cooked up in the kitchen. All talking ceased, and the only sounds were those of forks and knives against plates.

I took a sip of my OJ, steeling my nerves. I cleared my throat, and three sets of eyes turned my way. “So…I think I’m going to stay in Sutter Lake.”

Carter’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean? Like, extend your trip?”

I twirled the ring on my right ring finger. It had been my mother’s. I liked to think that it had the magical ability to give me strength. “I mean, I’m going to move here.” Carter’s jaw slackened. “Not necessarily forever. Just for a while,” I hurried to say. “I need some time away.”

Tears filled Carter’s eyes, and Austin immediately reached out to grab her hand. “I was hoping you’d move back to LA. I know you needed time to handle all your mother’s affairs, but now that you’ve done that, you need to be around people who love you. You don’t know anyone here.”

She was right. I didn’t know a single soul in Sutter Lake. That was a large part of its appeal. I sent Carter what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I think I need some time on my own, to get my head straight. Then, I promise I’ll think about moving back to LA.”

Liam studied me intently, his face solemn. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

I gritted my teeth but forced a lightness into my voice when I said, “I am. I just need to find a place to live. And maybe a job so I don’t die of boredom.”

Technically, I didn’t need a job. My father—or sperm donor, as I liked to call him—had set up a trust fund for me that had more money in it than I knew what to do with. His attempt to assuage his absentee-father guilt. He’d also given my mother a large sum. His attempt to quell his guilt over being a cheating, abandoning asshole. My mother had never touched the money, other than to pay for my schooling. I had no qualms about using mine to buy myself a little break from reality, but I knew I would go stir-crazy if I wasn’t doing something productive.

A fresh start where no one knew me as the girl who had just lost her only family. Solitude away from well-meaning, prying eyes. Peace. It was all I wanted. And if I had to move to the middle of nowhere Oregon to get it, then that’s just what I’d do.