Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Brené Brown's 'Daring Greatly' is a transformative exploration of vulnerability as a source of strength. In this insightful and deeply personal book, Brown dismantles the cultural myth that vulnerability is a weakness, instead arguing convincingly that it is, in fact, our most accurate measure of courage. Through a blend of research, storytelling, and practical advice, Brown encourages readers to embrace vulnerability, showing how it can lead to richer, more fulfilling lives. Her approachable writing style makes complex psychological concepts accessible, and her own vulnerabilities shared in the book create a powerful connection with the reader. 'Daring Greatly' is not just a book; it's a call to action for anyone who wants to live more bravely, love more deeply, and lead with conviction. A must-read for those seeking to transform their lives, relationships, and leadership styles.

This is an insightful book about navigating through life. It is at times a bit redundant and a bit hard to follow, but with effort the reader can garner a great many thought provoking ideas about how we can better function as individuals, as parents, as friends, and in the workplace.

The author’s fundamental message is that the basic need of humans is connection–it is why we are here- and that real connection only comes through exposing and accepting our vulnerabilities. She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure” , love probably being the best example. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings with those who have earned the right to hear them–those with whom we have built a true level of trust. This circle of confidants is, for most people, quite small, limited to family and the closest of friends. Indeed, as I read I had to think of those every few people who I could truly trust, not just to keep confidences, but to accept my admission of vulnerability and help me move forward and perhaps try new approaches without being judgmental. The author notes how this kind of trust is a product of vulnerability and requires work and full engagement. I also thought, particularly later when she talked about children and young people, whether they had the ability to find such a trusting friend among their peers. Young people can be so fickle and also so cruel, and are rarely mature enough to recognize the harm that their words and actions produce. A parent can offer the maturity, and the unconditional love necessary for trust, but children, particularly as they age, have a heightened reluctance to bring parents within their circle of trust. The author speaks more to this when she turns specifically to parenting.

Since connection is so important, disconnection is a great fear. The author defines shame as the fear of disconnection. Shame is also the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and thus unworthy of love and belonging. I felt that her definition of shame was the fear of “not measuring up”. She characterizes the difference between shame and guilt as the difference between thinking “I am bad”, as opposed to thinking “I did something bad”. Although this may seem at first blush like semantics, a second look, especially when dealing with children, shows that it is a distinction with a difference. The basic thrust of the book is being able to work through shame, as opposed to hiding from it or otherwise deflecting it without facing it head on. She describes this as “shame resilience”, the ability to recognize shame and understand its triggers, to practice critical awareness to move through the experience without sacrificing values, and to come through the experience with more courage, compassion and empathy. She again stresses sharing our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding. If we can do so, then shame can’t survive.

When speaking of shame the author links it to what she describes as our culture of scarcity. This is obviously not basic deprivation, but a culture that sends a message that there is never enough–we are never good looking enough, strong enough, successful enough, rich enough, and countless other areas where we don’t measure up. She posits that our culture tells us that an ordinary life is meaningless, that only the extraordinary deserves recognition. Her research shows that there are very set cultural expectations for both females and males. Our culture tells women to be nice, to pursue a thin body ideal, be modest, be domestic, care for children, invest in a romantic relationship, keep sexual intimacy within one relationship, and use their resources to invest in their appearance. Men receive one unrelenting message- do not be perceived as weak. This translates into every endeavor. They are supposed to be winners, to have emotional control, be risk takers, be dominant and self reliant, recognize the primacy of work, exercise power over women and constantly pursue status. When faced with these cultural expectations, if we buy into them, how can we ever measure up?

One way we try is to pursue what we see as perfection. If we can look perfect and do things correctly we can avoid shame. Yet perfection is unachievable, but its pursuit ends up being addictive, for when we feel shame we believe that it is because we were not prefect enough. The author, who is a well educated over achiever, describes her own life as the pursuit of perfection in order to avoid shame- a quixotic journey at best. As opposed to perfection, she feels that we must have a recognition and appreciation for what is enough. When we believe that who we are is enough–rather than some culturally driven perception of perfection- then we can embrace a feeling of worthiness. We must find such feeling through sharing our vulnerabilities with others, but also by practicing self compassion. Self compassion has three elements: self kindness- being warm and understanding with ourselves when we fail; common humanity-feelings of inadequacy are shared experiences; and mindfulness- taking a balanced approach to negative emotions. By accepting ourselves as “enough”, she doesn’t suggest an abandonment of hard work and great effort to achieve reasonable goals. But she realizes that these efforts are not about winning or losing, they are about both. That is vulnerability, recognizing both and being fully engaged.

She discusses the harmful effects of shame in the workplace, and characterizes it as the killer of innovation. When new ideas are ridiculed, the proponent is also ridiculed and made to feel less worthy. Such ridicule stifles new ideas and instead encourages employees to “not rock the boat” for fear of reprisal. She posits that when “an organization’s culture mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those who power it than it is to protect the basic dignity of individuals or communities, you can be certain that shame is systemic, money drives ethics, and accountability is dead”. When I read that I thought– Doesn’t it describe most large public and private bodies? If ridicule squelches creativity in the workplace, it does so on a much greater scale in our schools, where it is so common and the recipients are particularly vulnerable.

Her discussion of parenting puts all this in an instructive perspective. She begins with a short statement that may best summarize being a parent:

“Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting. The question isn’t are you parenting the right way, but, Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”

She goes much further, and stresses the importance of honesty with children and sharing difficult experiences that a mother or father may have gone through. However, she doesn’t suggest “telling all”. If there are wild escapades in a parent’s past, he or she must be careful in reciting such matters as these stories could validate behavior that you do not wish do encourage. She again stresses not teaching perfectionism–not asking children to seek self validation by valuing what others think. Most of all, she stresses that a child must always know that he or she is valued, is worthy of love and belonging. A child must also know that parents can never be perfect, but that parents and children can practice self compassion and vulnerability. She also again illustrates the difference between shame and guilt with children and notes the real difference between sending the message you are bad, and you did something bad. The first is shame and corrodes the part of us that believes we can do better. If a child tells a lie, she can change that behavior. If she’s a liar, where’s the potential for change in that? Most importantly, a child must know that he or she will always belong at home. The author defines “belonging” in contrast to “fitting in”. “Fitting in” is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

So rather than living in this culture of scarcity, she suggests “wholehearted living”. Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think-no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It is going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging. This is the opposite of a life of scarcity.

The author does make one foray into a sense of spirituality, in a very inclusive way, when she speaks of wholeheartedness and connectivity:

“Spirituality was a fundamental guidepost to wholeheartedness- not religiosity but the deeply held belief that we are inextricably connected to one another by a force greater than ourselves- a force grounded in love and compassion.”

Isn’t this indeed the common link between peoples?