The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation

Having read and benefited from several of Melody Beattie books I decided to purchase her newest book regarding Codependency. So glad that I did so. This book is so thought provoking and has been so enlightening for me!

After re-reading several of Melody Beattie books (Co-Dependent No More, Beyond Co-Dependency, Journey of the Heart, Language of Letting Go, and also Co-Dependent Guide to the Twelve Steps, I found this book to be her best work ever and below is why this is now my favorite Melody Beattie book:

1. Taking Care of Ourselves section - There is more information in this part of this book and more updated then her previous books. For example, in this beginning section, she shares some of her experiences. This sets the stage for more of how to take care of ones self that is explained more later into this book.

2. My favorite part of this book (most helpful one) is SECTION TWO ..The Evolving Art of Self Care. This part gives two steps to help right away with Co-Dependency - 1) Identify Teachers and Lessons Learned 2) Expressing Gratitude is a powerful practice She suggests writing a Gratitude Journal and it does work!

3. Also in Section Two is SETTING BOUNDARIES - This one has a checklist of how to set boundaries and how to set GOOD BOUNDARIES with people. This works in any type of relationship, with a partner, co-worker, friend, etc. This section has wonderful and to the point checklists that are easy to follow! And she even has a section on what Boundaries ARE NOT!

4. The section on Is it Love or Control? This explains the difference between normal love and compassion vs a controlling relationship. Ms Beattie used her own life experiences to explain examples of controlling and more.

5. The last section in this book called How To Find Help For Almost Anything - this is a must read section as it gives a number to call for help in all 50 states.

6. This book is updated and NO FLUFF, just meaningful reading in my opinion.

Highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to take better care of themselves whether in a relationship or not!

I have always been a fan of Melody Beattie's work, and I have benefited enormously from it since the old days of Codependent No More. I have not been in a relationship with someone addicted, but I nevertheless recognized myself in the description of the Codependent. There were so many similarities: not being able to take care of myself, obsessing about other people, taking care of everyone's needs (apart from my own, that is), not having boundaries. I seemed to be a textbook codependent, except that I did not get involved with alcoholics. So I just went along with what she had to say and read several of her books.

The New Codependency is one of the best ones. It has all the usual qualities of her work:

*She uses an empowering tone: of course you can make it. And to be honest, when she describes her life of a former junkie, you cannot help thinking: well, if she managed to get out of this mess, Surely I can get out of mine. *Her book is packed with examples. The fact of the matter is, I can see problems and solutions so much more easily when I read about someone else. Examples allow me to do that. *There is a lot of practical, down to earth advice. I cannot count the number of books I've read which describe my dreadful problems, but then leave me there with a vague "well I guess you need therapy" chapter. I hate it. Don't talk to me about my issues if you are not able to offer one hint of advice on how to solve them.

In The New Codependency, Melody Beattie tackles important concepts she wrote about before (boundaries, taking care of oneself, deprivation, control...), but with a higher level of maturity . Because she does not go back to the basics, I would advise not to read this book without reading first her earlier work. If you have, then it provides additional hindsight and a wiser point of view.

There are also new ideas. She insists to de-stigmatize codependency, explaining that it is just "normal behaviours, plus", that it is just a stage of grief - and I must say I find this new idea really interesting. There is a chapter about nurturing that I liked - she did not write about it earlier because she did not know what it was. And there is a whole section about emotions that I found really useful - I am one of these folks who have difficulties simply feeling.

It's ok to love someone who is addicted & cycles through mental issues. It doesn't make you sick. It makes you human, living in a world that's exceedingly tough for some souls, bodies & chemistries. What does make you sick is stalling your own dreams & plans to be their solid. What does make you sick is rescuing, being attached to an outcome with this person, or relying on them for your self worth. Only you can do that. And sometimes the most helpful thing is to say no. No to paying for things because that enables their poverty. No to staying up late with them because that enables their anxiety and increases yours. No to picking up the substances, let them get their own. You can't control the illness, the cycle, the addictions, their pain, or their decisions. But you can take care of yourself. And in healing, you can communicate with them in a respectful, loving, adult way that sets the bar higher for both of you. You can leave at anytime, so remember that this is a choice your soul made for growth, and not a life sentence. Take the beautiful parts and learn to smile at and let go of the crazy. Extract yourself from the parts that make your heart race or jump. This isn't about you. It's about them. Codependency is a simple case of mistaken identity.

As I started to really evaluate my life, my relationships and my parenting tendencies, I came across the word "codependency." I did not realize codependency happened outside of addiction. I had so much to learn!

Beattie's book ripped me wide open. It was a fast read, if you didn't need to slow down and catch your breath ... reevaluate your life with every turn of the page. There were plenty of areas I did not identify with. However, the areas that reflected myself back to me forced me to see my intentions in a brand new light. This book was a big catalyst of change in my life. I finished it feeling empowered as well as humbled.

I do too much for people. I give myself away too much. I have learned how to stop doing that and still find rich fulfillment in my life. I have been practicing self-care, as well as allowing others to take care of themselves unless I'm invited into their life to help.

I gave the book four stars, because I feel it is the perfect companion to "Codependent No More." I wish the two could be combined into one piece. That would fulfill my five star rating. If you can only read one, I would choose "The New Codependency."

So, if you are familiar with Codependence you know that Melody Beattie's book will be important and contain excellent information. If you are new, then definitely consider ANY of her books to get a better understanding. Some are better and more clear than this. This book is probably not the best for a total beginner. The writing is a bit all over the place and not that well organized. All the information is there, it's just a little bit scattered and written in a mildly confusing way but if you know the language of codependence you will get all the info and advice you need. So five stars for content and helpfulness, 4 stars for style of presentation. STRONGLY recommend you read it more than one time and find what works for you. Oops, there I go, "helping" total strangers get the best use out of this book. And now I know I really needed it, LOL. You might too, give it an open minded reading and see if it will make your life better. Peace

I don't know if it's the over saturation of mental health and self-development pushed out and overplayed in the world and media or it's the never-ending rambling of this book that turns me off of it but I'm having a hard to digesting and BELIEVING some of the concepts in this book.

The concept that really put me off was "Surrendering Our Way Into Grace: Trusting God, Life, Others and Ourselves". My issue isn't with God as at least that word comes interchangeably but my issue is with Others. This contradicts her antidote about a mom whose 6 year old daughter was sexually assaulted by a 17 year old boy who was hired as a baby sitter but was not made public he was a sex offender. "Trusting others" is what usually gets addicts and non-addicts dealing with codependent behavior in trouble in the first place. Having DISCERNMENT and developing discernment is the proper concept that should be pushed rather than "Trusting Others".

The other issue or concept that really didn't make sense was the "Sexual Intimacy and Codependency" part of the book. She basically lists ALL the different ways PEOPLE can experience (or not) sex and sexual intimacy/relationships with others and then refers to this as a "side effect" of being codependent. Huh? Thanks for outlining what we already know about different people and then attributing that all to codependency and trauma or being disconnected from our body. It's partly how different people exist. She assumes "cause and effect" correlations where they don't exist and at risk of leaving something out she just lists every known variation.

And last, I can't find it but I catch glimpses of her mentioning divorcing a second time without finding the complete story or understanding why it's relevant to mention. Like it's missing why she keeps bringing it up as something to reference or learn from or understand with the author. I'm guessing because she was still operating with codependent behavior she had to break away to heal. Wish there was more of a cohesive thought paragraph or chapter on this but maybe it's not in this book.

I'm having a hard time why this concept of Co-dependency even matters anymore. This book has made me think that life is short and if I spend all of my time in this book and trying to live out it's foggy principles I might just look up and my life is over. Maybe I've researched too much about it at this point but this book didn't add anything to my understanding and instead made me consider a lot of irrelevant information.